My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
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No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Mood.. 😂
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.