my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
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OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!