my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
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My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.