My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
You Might Also Like
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.