My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
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[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.