My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
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RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.