My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
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3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
I’m Sold!
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”