my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN

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Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.


1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?

4.25pm: Yes, of course.


Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.


Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.


All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.


Captain: Did you break the sonar again?

Me: Yessir. I’m sorry

Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings


Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁


The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.


ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No


A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.