My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
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Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again