my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
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Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Herpes is trending, good job people