My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
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Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.