My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
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A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds