My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
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me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat