@eleniZarro

My apartment is a mess, I should move

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@McCrazyJay

Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.

@PaperWash

How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?

@sundaecone888

People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”

@illTortuga

“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend

@brookeisgolden

An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.

The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”

@Contwixt

When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.

@girlontapas

I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.

@noog

Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.