My apartment is a mess, I should move

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How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?


People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”


“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend


An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.

The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”


When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.


I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.


Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.