My apartment is a mess, I should move
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Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup