[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
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A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
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The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
“sir you get one phone call.”
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.