You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
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1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Tell me
– U should know
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
I have a type: disappointing