@IGotsSmarts

My apathy is at an all time whatever.

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@StcyBnsn

You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..

@Hect0rMayorga

1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know

@MelvinofYork

Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.

@MartinPilgrim1

Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.

@BruceForce

My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.

I didn’t even know I had a wife.

@thejessbess

I’m rubber. You’re glue.

I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.

@ch000ch

mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”