My apathy is at an all time whatever.
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[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably