My apathy is at an all time whatever.

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[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.


A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.


I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.


WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18

“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”

WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again


For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.


Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle



[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.