My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
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HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂