My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
You Might Also Like
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
BRO LMFAO
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid