My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
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Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
TEETH IS INNOCENT
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Meanwhile in Canada…
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer