My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
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I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Teach your children to beatbox
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
My purse is deeper than some people.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.