[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
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ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.