[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow
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Sooo many times…..
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?