My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
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magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Please do it!
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*