@sophielou

My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer

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@SondraDeeMe

When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.

@jackiembouvier

I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.

@UnFitz

People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.

@pharmasean

Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer

@slimmy_shady

“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.

@pplwtching

Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.

@LlamaInaTux

[haunted house]

Me: I’m terrified

Jessica: is it the rattling chairs

Erica: is it the bleeding doors

Sarah: is it the possessed portraits

Kate: is it the shaking coffins

Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before

@Deniswoods565

Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️

@EricaWhoToYou

Dear Abby,

I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?