My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
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I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
i really liked this one
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.