My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer

You Might Also Like


Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings


1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hours

Congratulations! How was Disneyworld?


To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice


No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping


That escalated quickly

– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.


A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes


NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks


I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.