@sophielou

My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer

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@momjeansplease

Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings

@daemonic3

1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hours

Congratulations! How was Disneyworld?

@pixelatedboat

To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice

@NicCageMatch

No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping

@Social_Mime

That escalated quickly

– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.

@froghammer

A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes

@ericsshadow

NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks

@girl_a_whirl

I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.