My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
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41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings