@leviaIIen

my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps

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@slimmy_shady

Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.

@OllyiConic

I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.

@Reverend_Scott

[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]

Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”

@jakelikesnaps

[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]

@fozzie4prez

I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it

@buseysteeth

[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”

@AbbyHasIssues

Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.

My life is spiraling out of control.

@1evilidiot

Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.

@nealbrennan

People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”