my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps

You Might Also Like


Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.


I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.


[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]

Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”


[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]


I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it


[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”


Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.

My life is spiraling out of control.


Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.


People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”