my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
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The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.