My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
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I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
🐕🍷
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
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He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers