My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
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The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…