My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
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My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?