@ParaJanitor

My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.

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@BradBroaddus

DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”

ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”

DOCTOR:……..

@Kyle_Raney

Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one

@UNDEADTRESOR

When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.

@OutOfLeftField_

Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.

@IMBeanz

Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.

@DannyZuker

My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.

@OutOfLeftField_

Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?

Me: I think that’s a myth.

Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.

@knot_eye

Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.

@juicymorsel

Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.