@paopao619 My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
@ParaJanitor My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
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@paopao619 
@KeetPotato me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
@mjkspeaks An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
@dshack8 My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
@XplodingUnicorn Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
@tweetsauce This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
@murrman5 [consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
@13spencer One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
@jordan_stratton Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
@Contwixt I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.