My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.

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My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas


me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”


An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.


My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.


Me: *explains idea*

Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever

Me:*clears throat*

*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*

Boss: Brilliant!


This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”


[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read


One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.


Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.


I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.