My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
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Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.