My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.

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DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”

ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”



Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one


When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.


Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.


Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.


My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.


Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?

Me: I think that’s a myth.

Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.


Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.


Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.