@ParaJanitor

My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.

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@paopao619

My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas

@KeetPotato

me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”

@mjkspeaks

An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.

@dshack8

My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: *explains idea*

Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever

Me:*clears throat*

*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*

Boss: Brilliant!

@tweetsauce

This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”

@murrman5

[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read

@13spencer

One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.

@jordan_stratton

Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.

@Contwixt

I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.