My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
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Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward