My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
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Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio