@SkinnieTalls

My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”

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@papasuncle

If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.

@BringDaNoyz

ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery

@

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

@ChicksRule

“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“

@SaddleLawman

Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.

@MamaNeedsACoke

The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?

—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner

@amyhermes

This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.

@PaperWash

Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.

@Parkerlawyer

Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”

@robotmouthfarts

EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?

Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.