My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
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giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Actually cracking up @ this
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.