My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
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“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too