My background check bounced.
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Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
I’d … I’d rather not.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.