My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
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Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Cha-ching is my safe word
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT