My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
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Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Autocorrect is my menesis
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.