My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
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Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.