My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
You Might Also Like
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
this is uni
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.