My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
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Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.