My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
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Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
s
oc
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how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.