My beach vacation Google searches
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Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
me, too, girl. me, too.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”