My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
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My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks