my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
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“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
my dad has had enough
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else