@MeepisMurder

my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems

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@jferg1616

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

@imchriskelly

i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it

@TheTweetOfGod

When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.

@KevinFarzad

Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.

@reesespiece_

The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)

@TitaniumToplass

Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.

@TheBoydP

*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*

~Christmas shopping for my wife