My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
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My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again