Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.

What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?

[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.

a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread

My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday

My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.

I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.

Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.

Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.

The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.

I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.

Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar

[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles

Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth

Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.

This fish is cracking me up

If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.

Me: *buying bug spray* Is this good for ants?
Clerk: No. It kills them.

I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)

Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag

Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.

I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.

“Must you lick the knife?”

“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”

She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.

Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is

Some cool things about NYC are that it’s the nation’s largest city, an international cultural and economic hub, and right now there are about 8 people left running it

#KarenAndTheCat 😉

[Kitchen]

*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*

ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}

i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.

Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?

Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”