my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home…which meant that “cotton eyed joe” began blasting right as the mom began to push 💀💀💀
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My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants