my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
You Might Also Like
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
when nothing goes right… go left
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.