My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
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Mistakes were made
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?