My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
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ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Google reviews are always so mixed..
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.