my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic
