my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
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Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
i’m still crying at this
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse