my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”
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If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car
Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
no!! no!!!!!!
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
black phone good
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too